How do I stop being so defensive in my relationship?
Mila writes: “What can I do so that in difficult conversations where my partners raises issues he has with my behavior, I do not directly fall into defense mode but keep listening to what my partner has to say?”
Dear Mila,
What I appreciate so much about your question is that you’re seeking ideas for what you could do differently in your interactions with your partner. This willingness to consider how you might change your reactions to your partner highlights the fact that defensiveness isn’t your natural state of being in your relationship.
To some degree, defensiveness is something that nearly all of us struggle with from time to time.
But for those of us who’ve been in relationships characterized by criticism, blame, and attack, it can be exceptionally difficult to recognize the difference between criticism designed to tear us down from constructive feedback and the genuine expression of concerns in a relationship.
I’m guessing that at one point in your life, you needed to be on your guard in relationships. Being defensive was a survival mechanism designed to protect you and keep you safe.
It was a way of coming to your own defense. Even though you don’t need that any longer — at least in this relationship — that doesn’t mean it’s easy to simply turn it off.
Even though this response has more to do with your past than your present, this response is ingrained. It’s automatic. And, like a home security system that’s set off by wind rattling the windows, it’s terribly unsophisticated.
It can’t tell the difference between situations in which you’re actually the target of unfair blame, criticism, and verbal attacks and situations in which your well-meaning partner is expressing genuine concerns or giving feedback and the impact you’re having on him.
In other words, all it takes for you to feel attacked, at least unconsciously, is that your partner is expressing he’s not happy with something to do with you.
The difficulty is that once our defensiveness has been triggered, instead of being able to hear what our partner is actually trying to express, everything gets distorted into a criticism. Because we feel like we’re being attacked, it’s really hard to recognize that we’re not actually under attack.
But the good news here is that just like a security system can be adjusted to stop reacting to every gust of wind, you can learn how to distinguish the differences between hurtful attacks in a relationship and invitations to grow in your ability to stay connected and open, even when your partner shares something that’s difficult for you to hear.
One of the challenges with changing our responses in an intimate relationship is how quickly everything seems to happen when there’s an issue with our partner.
Our defensiveness has already kicked into high gear before we’re even consciously aware of what’s happening.
This is why it’s so difficult to stop ourselves from reacting defensively to our partner. Our reactions often happen before our awareness catches up.
Before I talk about how to shift an ingrained pattern of defensiveness, I want to take a moment to actually honor your defensive response.
Trauma-based responses like defensiveness so often cause enough difficulty in relationships that all we want to do is figure out how to get rid of them. We forget to pause and actually feel a sense of appreciation for these responses that are trying to protect us and keep us safe.
When viewed through the lens of understanding, you can recognize that your reactivity to perceived attacks is actually a way of coming to your own defense.
It’s a way of standing up for yourself. The fact that it’s causing trouble in your present day relationship with your partner suggests something really positive: nowadays, you don’t need the same defenses that you needed at some point in the past. That’s great news.
So now that we’ve taken a moment to appreciate your defensiveness, let’s explore how to get this part of you to stand down and make space for a present day life that’s not colored by your past.
Let’s talk about how to move from being in a reactive, guarded position in relationship with your partner to a position that’s open, listening, and responsive.
As I mentioned already, we usually focus on breaking old patterns of relationship behaviors by trying to prevent ourselves from reacting the way we have in the past. This doesn’t tend to work straightaway because these reactions are automatic and unconscious and by the time we realize what’s happening, it’s already happened.
So instead of aiming to prevent yourself from being defensive, what if you learned instead what to do as soon as you realize that you’re gotten sucked into that old pattern again?
Here’s what I mean.
Let’s say that your partner tries to talk to you about your chronic lateness. He says, “When you were 30 minutes late to my parents’ house last weekend and you didn’t even text me, I felt really hurt. We’ve already talked about this so many times and I’ve shared with you how it feels to me like you don’t value my time. And then it happened again. I don’t really know what else to say and I’m starting to wonder whether my feelings matter to you at all.”
Let’s imagine you hear this as an attack and you get defensive. And you say, “I knew you were going to throw this in my face. I don’t control the train lines. You act like I never make it anywhere on time. And it’s like you expect me to be perfect. Plus, it’s not like you’re never late.”
This time, once the words have left your mouth, you realize: Oh no—I’m going it again. And so, instead of doubling down on your defensive reaction to your partner, you take a deep breath and say, “Wait. Give me a minute. Can we start over again? I realize that I’m feeling attacked and I’m getting defensive.”
And then you take a few more breaths and ask your partner to say again what he shared with you, so that you can focus on really trying to hear what he’s saying.
When you do this, you might notice some interesting things. You might notice that the first time he shared his concerns, what you heard was something along the lines of: You’re a terrible partner. You always let me down. I’m so disappointed in you.
When you focus on really listening the second time around, you might hear: I feel really hurt. Since we’ve talked about this before and it happened again, I’m not sure whether you care about my feelings.
In other words, instead of hearing your partner’s attack on your character or value, you hear what your partner is actually trying to express about his feelings and how he is affected by your lateness.
Making this shift takes a lot of practice. Changing an ingrained pattern like defensiveness in a relationship tends to happen in stages.
First, you catch yourself after it’s already happened. Once you’re aware this has happened, you can initiate some kind of a do-over, where you start at the beginning and work on responding mindfully and intentionally, instead of reacting based on past patterns. From my perspective, it doesn’t really matter if you become aware of what’s happened immediately afterward or three hours later (or days later). It’s never too late to ask for a do-over and try again.
In the next stage of change, you start catching yourself when you’re in the middle of reacting defensively. That’s what happened in the example I gave above. You’re able to halt the conversation in its tracks before it goes further off course, take a deep breath, and try again.
It’s only in the last stage of change when we’re able to prevent ourselves from reacting defensively.
In this stage, you might notice yourself beginning to internally react. You might notice yourself feeling stressed or defensive or hearing your partner’s words as an attack, but there’s another part of you now that’s able to say, “Hold on. He’s not attacking you. He’s talking about his feelings when you were late … not saying that you’re a terrible person.” You might even imagine that you’re speaking directly to the reactive part of yourself, as though it’s a younger version of you—one who’s in need of some reassurance and support.
Then, you can take a deep breath and focus on really trying to hear your partner, so you can respond to what you’ve actually heard.
In terms of becoming an attentive and caring listener in an intimate relationship, one of our favorite practices that we recommend to couples and individuals who struggle with reactivity and defensiveness is what we called the attuned listening practice.
It’s quite simple—though that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
The attuned listening practice is a way of slowing down the conversation, which is absolutely essential in order to move from being reactive to genuinely responsive.
Here’s how it works. Instead of immediately responding to what your partner has said, first you need to make sure you’ve actually understood what your partner was trying to communicate to you.
This practice of attuned listening goes beyond simply repeating back to your partner exactly what he said. Instead it’s about amplifying the emotional heart of the matter.
In the example I used above, an attuned listening response might sound something like, “I hear you saying that you were really hurt by my lateness last weekend. And especially because we have talked about this so many times, you’re left doubting whether I really care about how my lateness feels for you.”
In our experience, individuals who were frequently criticized, berated, and blamed find the practice of attuned listening to be very difficult initially.
Acknowledging the impact we’ve had on someone we love often induces a wave of shame. It’s as though acknowledging our impact confirms all the worst messages we internalized about ourselves early in life. This isn’t true, even though it can feel very true in the moment.
Although it’s challenging and uncomfortable, learning how to engage in attuned listening can ultimately be a way of developing shame resilience and healing childhood wounds. It’s a way of discovering that we don’t have to be perfect in our relationship.
Hurt is inevitable in any close relationship, which is why learning the skills of repairing that hurt is so essential.
So, Mila, you asked how to stop yourself from falling into defensive mode every time your partner brings up issues in your relationship. I can’t say for sure that you’ll ever completely eliminate your tendency toward being defensive.
But what I do know is stopping completely isn’t necessary, because you don’t have to be perfect in any of your relationships. Instead, you can focus on building new relationship skills that will help you stay present with your partner and communicate care when he shares his own experience in your relationship.
As you practice these skills, you’ll find that defensiveness no longer dictates your interactions with your partner.
And on that note, I am wishing you the small, steady steps of progress that lead you in a beautiful new direction.
~ Angela
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DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
